My children are the light of my life. I would do absolutely anything for them to make them happy and their lives easier. If one of them was to come to me and tell me of something they just absolutely had to have, whether it was truly needed or not, I would do everything in my power to help them obtain it. My love for them knows no limits. And yet, my love for my children is nowhere comparable to the love our Heavenly Father has for us.
I was not raised in church. Growing up, the only time I did go to church was when my sweet little neighbor would take me to Vacation Bible School. The rest of the year I just went along my merry little way, oblivious to the world around me. I was surrounded by depressing attitudes and sayings such as “No rest for the weary” or “I know I’m going straight to hell when I leave here.” Ironically, my grandma would hum hymns like Amazing Grace and I’ll Fly Away! Saying I was a confused child would be an understatement!
Right after I got married, I started going to church with my new husband. I was intrigued with this “new” God I was hearing about (same God I had always learned about, just now in a more mature light). I wanted Him to be part of my life, but on my terms, not His. I fumbled through this relationship for years. I got saved, baptized, taught Girls’ Club and Sunday school. I joined the Ladies’ Ministry. I prayed. I went to the altar because it was what I thought was my Christian duty. But I never really had a true relationship with my Lord.
Until Caleb got sick. Then everything changed for me. Over the course of the last couple of years I have come to realize how much God has been with me, especially during those times I didn’t want Him to be with me! But when I watched my baby lying in that hospital bed, hooked up to all those machines and pumps, hearing the doctors say there was no way he would ever make it, that’s when I stopped running from God! That’s when I started shouting and waving my arms “Here I am! Help me!” And even though I didn’t deserve His love, His concern, or His mercy, He came to me. He comforted me when my world was closing in. He calmed my storm when the waves were crashing over my head. He sent strangers (who would later become friends) to bring encouragement to a broken shell of a mother. He never left me during that whole time.
Why then do I now feel so unloved at times? Why do I feel that I have been given way more than I can ever possibly handle? Or that my life is somehow a punishment for a sin I have committed in the past? Sometimes it just feels like no matter what I do it is never enough.
I think I still struggle because I have not fully surrendered to God. I am the type of person that has to be in control. If I leave something for someone else to do, chances are it is not going to be done the way I want it done! Can you say “control issues”?? Oh yeah, I’m all for giving my troubles to God on Sunday morning. He is more than capable of handling things! But by Tuesday, I go ahead and take them back. Maybe He is just too busy to worry about my little problems. I mean, after all, He has all these other problems, much bigger than mine, to worry about. I am just one of many of His children vying for His attention. And then it hits me: Do I only take care of my children one at a time? Of course not! I multitask, and God is so much more able to do that than I am!
Even though it took me years to come to the Lord, the important thing is that I did come. He doesn’t love me any less. I know I am still a work in progress and I just hope and pray that He will forgive me and understand my doubts at times. I know that I NEVER stop loving my children, no matter what stupid words may come out of their mouths (and believe me, there have been some good ones!). And as I said, our love for our children is nothing compared to how HE loves us, even how He loves ME!
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. – Romans 8:37-39
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