My first edition of a new column I will be writing here; Lara’s Point of View…what better way to start than with a birthday post??
This Friday (03/05/10) will be my birthday…which one? Well, let’s not worry about details…LOL! Anyway, I have done a lot of reflecting and at the end of 2009 was mostly depressed at the place I am in life.
Ready for Change? YES!
I have spent far too much time wishing, hoping and wanting in my life. I feel like it is now a season of doing and accepting. That is a very hard place to come to for someone like me. I have really struggled with this. I am by no means even completely in agreement with what must be. LOL! However, I DO know without any doubt that I MUST accept the life I have been given and where I am at in this journey. If I do not do this then not only will I lose my mind, I will also leave my children with a poor legacy, and I will be unable to reach the women and Mothers of this world in the way God has intended.
You see, my whole life has been one big “why me” fest. I have been angry about all the horrible things that happened to me and I have been unable to really move forward in some areas of my life because of this. I have shared my testimony from time to time and will share a little now…
Since I was about born my life has been in turmoil. I suffered years of molestation that started in toddler-hood and went on through my pre-teens…I was molested by a step sister up until age 6 and by my step brother as a preteen. I was also molested by various strangers…some of which I blocked out up until my 20’s.
I also grew up with an alcoholic father and a Mother who was unable to be a proper Mother and moved us around way too often. I was homeless many times as a child and lived in the car, missions and anywhere my Mother could finagle. My entire childhood was spent not really knowing where my next bed would be, and never really building lasting friendships. There was a lot of pain and abuse. I was also tormented at school. I just never had an escape.
Puberty was even more fun. I was molested by a step brother, lost my virginity to rape, was still in poverty, lived with several strange people, lived in a children’s home for a bit, then met Rob, my husband.
We had a turbulent relationship from the beginning. There were parties, drugs, and lots of alcohol. I soon became addicted to drugs. Then came an unplanned pregnancy when I was 18. Of course, I kept the baby…I immediately stopped all drugs, alcohol, and even caffeine!
Had the baby…now my wonderful, beautiful, funny, strong, and fabulous teenage daughter.
We did not marry right away. When she was about 14 months, I started to watch Christian TV. You see, I went to church on and off as a kid and asked Jesus into my heart when I was 8. I always knew Jesus loved me…but I never really knew more than that. So, I wanted more than TV now…Rob and I started to go to church. We got married after 5 years together.
Things went good for a bit…then we began to have problems and eventually stopped going to church and separated. During our separation Rob had a relationship with another woman and was doing hard core drugs with her on a daily basis. I was hanging out with a bad crowd and doing drugs frequently as well…all along wanting to have a happy life.
Somehow, we got back together after a year and a half apart.
We continued to do drugs. The woman he was involved with continued to call him for two years on and off….which did NOT do good for our marriage. We did drugs together now…again. We had a LOT to deal with. We wanted to break free. However, we had such a friendly dealer…he would front us our drugs each week and we would get further and further behind. We racked up credit card bills and wasted all our money on drugs.
After MUCH struggle, we eventually broke free…and things were good for a while…We started going to church and had our happy little church faces on. I was never really me…
Then, I suffered a miscarriage. I was devastated. A terrible sadness overcame me and I had to stifle it because as many would say; “at least you did not know…’it’….” Hmmm… no one really understands how a miscarriage feels unless they have been through it. No, I did not meet the child, however, it was a living being inside of me and loved for almost 4 months. I did what all good Christians do though and put on my praise the Lord and glory be His name face….
Eventually the face got too hard to keep up and I wanted to dig deeper with my Daddy God. As I did this, I lost most of my Christian friends…I literally became friendless for several years and just poured myself into Moms of Faith.
About 2 years ago, and another precious daughter in my life, God began to bring friendships back again…friends that accepted me as me. Loved the honest outspoken me. Loved my bubbly personality and wanted to know ME! I was thrilled…for a little while…
Then, around summer of 2009 I became sad again…I began to see all that I did not have and all that I missed out on in life as a child and as an adult. I began to dwell…and dwell and dwell. It got to the point where I was literally fed up with being a Christian at all.
It became my theme song. I was consumed with what ifs and whys.
It got so bad I withdrew and began to get angry with God and the life He chose for me. After a few months of this, I managed to pull myself back up and get back in church and try again…
That was in January…here we are in March. Did I have a revelation? Not really. I just came to my “aha” moment. Obviously my childhood sucked…however, there are MANY who have been through worse and still are going through worse times than I am. Please do not think I want or even need your pity. I am making a point here. You see, I “thought” I had come to terms with my life and past. I “thought” I was over all the pain and hurts of the past.
I thought wrong.
The reality is, life stinks sometimes…even a lot of the time. My life was no picnic and my marriage may never be what I dreamed and I may never get my own home or to travel or forget the pain of yesteryear’s. However, I CAN choose to live in this moment. I have JUST now discovered that all I am is who I was meant to be and all that I have endured has brought me to this moment. A moment in time that I can embrace and live with passion…not looking back but pressing on to the goal and the prize of an eternity with Jesus.
Have I completely gotten this into my thick skull? Er…no…BUT…I DO believe that every day God helps me get a little bit closer to believing it and to believing I am chosen and not just a step child in the Kingdom of God. I DO believe that ONE DAY I WILL truly embrace what He is trying to teach me.
I want to close this post by saying THANK YOU to my Daddy God for allowing me to be a Mother to two of the most precious daughters on earth and that I am ABLE to be to them what was never given to me! THAT is the best birthday present of all!
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