Longtime readers most likely already know my testimony. If you are a new reader, feel free to browse around. I share a lot about my life, past, and the many trials I have faced. I believe one of the posts is called “My Birthday Post”.
Anyway, I was sitting on the couch last night and was suddenly hit with a stunning realization. I have no father or mother. Let me explain…
You see, “technically” I do have a Mother and Father. However, neither one of them are a part of my life.
My father is an alcoholic who even in his old age has frequent binges. We came to terms with the past and he apologized for the life he chose and how it affected me. I am happy that we were able to have that conversation several years back. However, it did not make it all better. This man was drunk my entire life. Even when he came down for my wedding, I had to go through the shakes and withdrawals from his “on the way to Florida” binge. I had finally gotten to a place where I did not want my own children affected by his sinful disease. In our last conversation several years ago, I had to tell him not to call me drunk anymore. I have not heard form him since. It is hard.
This may sound harsh to some…and even as if I harbor unforgiveness. However, I really harbor none. Yet, facts are facts, so please forgive my bluntness in regards to my other parent…
My mother is my main pain. She has hurt me in so many deep ways. She was a terrible mother and I made a personal vow to never be a mom like her. She is one of the most self centered, mean spirited women I have ever known. She has a chip on her shoulder so large that it makes me wonder how she can stand upright. She is also a person who thinks the world owes her and is a pathological liar. She lies about everything and because of this I am very matter of fact with anyone in my life. If you are dishonest with me, I cannot be in relationship with you. She also has absolutely no concept of boundaries and thinks I should still obey her. Her sick mentality got so bad it was affecting my children and marriage. I had to finally set clear boundaries and she went ballistic on me. Sadly, we have not spoken in well over a year…maybe closer to two…and before that we would talk on and off with long gaps between because of her inability to accept reasonable boundaries.
As I sat here last night pondering my lack of parents as an adult, I was profoundly sad. It is very hard to not have a Mom or Dad to talk to, invite to family functions, visit, send the kids to see, laugh/cry with, shop with, etc.
It has left an emptiness in my heart. An emptiness that I have found is not so easily filled. So, this morning as I sat down to write this devotion, I decided to see what God has to say about my pain.
Does He care? Why did He allow so much pain to come into my life? Why did I have to endure so many bad things?
You see, I can relate to many many many women who read Moms of Faith. I have endured many different trials from sexual abuse, rape, to miscarriage, separation to infidelity to homelessness and many things in between.
Why so much and still so much? Why can’t I at least have a Mom?
Well, I wish I had some great revelation to share with you…Unfortunately, I do not.
However, I DO KNOW that I have a purpose and that I am the Apple of my Daddy God’s eye! I DO KNOW that even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, HE IS WITH ME. I DO KNOW that He WILL wipe every tear from my eye and that He will never ever ever leave me or forsake me. I also KNOW that every pain I endure is for His glory and purpose, and even if I do not know the whys, it is OK.
Because He loves me!
He also shows me in His Word that HE will be what I do not have…
A father of the fatherless and a judge and protector of the widows is God in His holy habitation. God places the solitary in families and gives the desolate a home in which to dwell; He leads the prisoners out to prosperity… – Psalm 68:5-6 (amplified)
He is my Mom and Dad all in one! :D
HE is here to fill the gaps and make my life whole and comfort me. Sure, it is hard to endure this world and all the pain and sorrow. However, I am an alien in this world and simply passing through until my final destination with the King of Kings.
But we are citizens of heaven, where the Lord Jesus Christ lives. And we are eagerly waiting for him to return as our Savior. – Philippians 3:20 (NLT)
I am also amazed that He made sure to put this in His Word…
But now I am speaking to you who are Gentiles. Inasmuch then as I am an apostle to the Gentiles, I lay great stress on my ministry and magnify my office,
In the hope of making my fellow Jews jealous [in order to stir them up to imitate, copy, and appropriate], and thus managing to save some of them.
For if their rejection and exclusion from the benefits of salvation were overruled for the reconciliation of a world to God, what will their acceptance and admission mean? It will be nothing short of life from the dead!
Now if the first handful of dough offered as the firstfruits [Abraham and the patriarchs] is consecrated (holy), so is the whole mass; and if the root [Abraham] is consecrated (holy), so are the branches.
But if some of the branches were broken off, while you, a wild olive shoot, were grafted in among them to share the richness [of the root and sap] of the olive tree,
Do not boast over the branches and pride yourself at their expense. If you do boast and feel superior, remember it is not you that support the root, but the root that supports you.
You will say then, Branches were broken (pruned) off so that I might be grafted in!
That is true. But they were broken (pruned) off because of their unbelief (their lack of real faith), and you are established through faith because you do believe. So do not become proud and conceited, but rather stand in awe and be reverently afraid. – Romans 11:13-20 (amplified)
You see, I have a NEW family! I have been grafted in!!! I am a part of the ONLY Royal Family that matters! WE are adopted children to the Creator of the Universe!!!
But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a dedicated nation, God’s own purchased, special people, that you may set forth the wonderful deeds and display the virtues and perfections of Him Who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light. – 1 Peter 2:9 (amplified)
God chose me…and YOU! It is not like the infamous “school yard” pick. We were not last on the field. He was not “stuck” with us on His team.
So, knowing all this, I choose not to be sad. Sure, I “can” be sad if I dwell on the pain. It is still hard to not have an “in the flesh” mom and dad to be in relationship with. However, I am choosing to trust God and lay my silent pain at His loving feet, and allow His amazing grace and mercy to fill the gaps this life leaves!
Daddy God, You know more than anyone the sadness that sometimes envelopes me. You understand and are Here comforting me through it all. You know my heart and every moment of my life. You have a plan and a purpose for me that I many not always understand. Yet, I love You profoundly and I trust You completely with every aspect of my being. THANK YOU for adopting me and grafting me into Your family! Thank You for choosing me and calling me Your very own! Help me to find comfort and acceptance in Your arms. Help me to overcome the pain and sadness and allow Your amazing Grace and Mercy to fill the void. I love YOU! In Jesus Mighty Name, Amen!
I have included reference verses for the statements I made in this devotional, and several others that go well with this topic. I encourage you to read them all, find encouragement, study and meditate on them. There is LIFE in His Word, ladies!
- 1 Peter 2:11-12
- John 15:19
- John 17:14
- Psalm 17:8
- Psalm 23
- Revelation 21:4
- Hebrews 13:5-6
- Jeremiah 29:11
- John 1:12
- Romans 5:1
- Ephesians 1:3-8
- Philippians 1:6
- Matthew 18:5
- Hosea 14:3
Memorize: We are assured and know that all things work together and are fitting into a plan for good to and for those who love God and are called according to His design and purpose. – Romans 8:28
Copyright © Lara Velez, Moms of Faith, All Rights Reserved
So sorry for your pain Lara. :(
I sort of can relate to it with my Dad. Don’t get me wrong, he was an awesome Dad before he had his break down and I remember those early years so well. Since Dad’s break down, we have had some bad years and good years as well.
However, before all that, he took me everywhere he went and was the best Dad there ever was.
I hope you can mend fences. It’s never too late. ;) ((Hugs))