“I’m tired” just doesn’t describe it. A more accurate description might be exhausted, wore out, zombiefied. I am physically, mentally, and emotionally drained. I am to the point that my brain just won’t function normally. Did I mention that I am tired?? About three weeks ago we lost our night nurse, so that job fell solely to me. So now I do day shift AND night shift. Caleb isn’t really picky as to which shift he does, so he just catnaps and therefore I am up usually twenty out of the twenty four hours. Finally, I said enough is enough and I put a pillow over my head to shut out his howls! Sounds cruel, I know, but I knew he was just fine, just not happy about being by himself for a few minutes. Anyway, so here I am trying to get just a few minutes of quiet, but I have highly sensitized “mommy ears”. In addition to them, I also have a very vivid imagination. Not a good combination when you are sleep deprived! I suddenly hear him choking and gurgling. I spring up and rush to his bed, … [Read more...]
Holding On
My dear sweet child, It’s four o’clock in the morning and once again I am sitting in bed with you trying to console you. I know you are frustrated and scared, Little One, and so am I. This is a journey neither of us planned and neither of us knows where it is going to take us. As I hold your hand the thought comes to me: will these precious little hands ever draw me another masterpiece or write me a book about Boxen Fly? Will I ever feel them clasp mine as we walk along? And what about playing video games and basketball? Are those also things of the past? I rub your legs and feet and cry as I think of how you used to run and play on the farm. Oh, you had so much energy! I used to say that if I had even an ounce of your energy, I would be able to do anything. I watch as you move your legs back and forth in the bed. Are you dreaming of those days too? I miss so much about you. The little things are what hurts the most. I miss hearing your giggle, and your excited squeal when … [Read more...]
Love is the Greatest
We have many people that come into our lives, especially since Caleb’s illness. Some become lifelong friends and others just pass through. Then there are those that make you wish your paths had never crossed! I have found that those are the ones you learn the most rewarding lessons from! As I was preparing to write this column, one particular person kept coming to mind. A very nice, older lady who had some, well, let’s just say issues. I think her biggest problem was that she suffered from a common disease called ignorance. Others may call it being prejudiced, but no matter what you call it, it is upsetting to me. You see, I don’t see color. Or religious beliefs. Or sexual preference. I see a person that God has commanded me to LOVE, not JUDGE. No, I may not believe the same way they believe, but does not give me the right to condemn them. And this lady was very adamant about her belief that only “certain” people of a “certain” color and a “certain” nationality and religion were … [Read more...]
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