“I’m tired” just doesn’t describe it. A more accurate description might be exhausted, wore out, zombiefied. I am physically, mentally, and emotionally drained. I am to the point that my brain just won’t function normally. Did I mention that I am tired?? About three weeks ago we lost our night nurse, so that job fell solely to me. So now I do day shift AND night shift. Caleb isn’t really picky as to which shift he does, so he just catnaps and therefore I am up usually twenty out of the twenty four hours. Finally, I said enough is enough and I put a pillow over my head to shut out his howls! Sounds cruel, I know, but I knew he was just fine, just not happy about being by himself for a few minutes. Anyway, so here I am trying to get just a few minutes of quiet, but I have highly sensitized “mommy ears”. In addition to them, I also have a very vivid imagination. Not a good combination when you are sleep deprived! I suddenly hear him choking and gurgling. I spring up and rush to his bed, … [Read more...]
Holding On
My dear sweet child, It’s four o’clock in the morning and once again I am sitting in bed with you trying to console you. I know you are frustrated and scared, Little One, and so am I. This is a journey neither of us planned and neither of us knows where it is going to take us. As I hold your hand the thought comes to me: will these precious little hands ever draw me another masterpiece or write me a book about Boxen Fly? Will I ever feel them clasp mine as we walk along? And what about playing video games and basketball? Are those also things of the past? I rub your legs and feet and cry as I think of how you used to run and play on the farm. Oh, you had so much energy! I used to say that if I had even an ounce of your energy, I would be able to do anything. I watch as you move your legs back and forth in the bed. Are you dreaming of those days too? I miss so much about you. The little things are what hurts the most. I miss hearing your giggle, and your excited squeal when … [Read more...]
God, Not Man
This week I just have to talk about how amazing God is! Some of you may know the story of our little boy Caleb and how each day for us is a step of faith. Although we go through the motions of caring for a disabled child that requires constant care, we never lose faith in the promise that God made us for Caleb’s complete healing. Some days are easier than others, but most days are extremely difficult to get through when faced with medical statistics and doctors’ reports. Just recently we took Caleb for a speech evaluation to determine his swallowing capabilities. Now mind you, we have been watching Caleb swallow for some time now and even give him baby food to eat by mouth sometimes. So we just knew he was going to pass this swallow test with flying colors. And to our amazement, he did absolutely nothing! Nope, not even one tiny little swallow! As a matter of fact, he spit the applesauce back out! The therapist looked at me like I was from another planet. There was no way that this … [Read more...]
Reader Comments