It is amazing how when you are on a journey with the Lord, you discover things about yourself that you really never thought could be an issue. I am not a very “fearful” person. Other than the normal “girly fears” of spiders and creepy crawler type things. I do not (or so I thought) have a lot that I fear.
Recently, I realized just how wrong I was…
Many of you, who have been long time readers, know my testimony and the sexual abuse that I endured most of my early childhood and then pre/teen years. Well, about 7 or 8 years ago, I laid all of it down, forgave in my heart and began the painful process of healing.
Fast forward to this past July…
I was contacted by someone from my past who sexually abused me several times. The contact was shocking. I had not spoken to this person in many years. Then, out of the blue, they send me around 25 emails. All of them saying almost the same thing. As if we were “close” in another life from long ago … yet with a dark under current I could literally feel in the core of my being. He even mentioned that he had been reading my blog “for years…”
My skin crawled.
I wish I could tell you that I had some spiritual epiphany at that moment, or even pulled out my Bible to go to battle with the “unseen” enemy, who was lurking at the doorway to the child’s heart within me. Sadly, I did none of those things. Instead, I went right back to the young girl who this man abused. Sadly, I went right back to the fear and confusion and all the windows of the past started to fill up my mind. I began to remember what he did to me and how he told me he knew I “enjoyed it”. I began to remember the others who abused me that way in my childhood. I was brought right back to the pain of the little girl of my past.
I walked around the house in fear. A gripping fear.
I did not know how to handle the emotions I was feeling. Emotions I thought that I had dealt with. You see, I had no anger towards this person…or even fear OF this person. It was like nothing I had ever experienced before.
I told my husband.
I did not respond to this person and I stopped blogging on my personal blog.
I put it out of my mind.
I did not hear from him again.
Until…about two weeks ago. I asked God if He would bless me with a sponsor so that I can go to an upcoming blogging event in Nashville. I laid it at His feet and prayed His will be done. Well, after a few proposal emails to some contacts I have, I got a sponsor! I was SO happy (still am!) that I get to go and that Daddy God put His stamp of approval on it! :)
Anyway, I began to think about my personal blog. I wanted to make it more of a professional place where people can go and see what I have to offer as far as writing and such. I created the design and began to test it out and see how it looked with single posts. As I was looking at the layout on a particular post, I saw 3 comments. All from this man. All very stupid and filled with lies. I immediately went to my blog email to see if he had been sending me any emails…and yes he had since August. :(
Again, I was that little girl. This time I began to think what if he found where I lived. What if he tried to do the same thing he did to me to my sweet girls.
I shut down my blog.
It is still on maintenance mode as of today.
I tried to ask my Facebook friends for prayer and discovered that was not a good idea…especially since they did not know the whole story and could not possibly understand this battle. You see, I know this is not God. This is not some “road to reconciliation” or anything like that.
How do I know this?
1. The “tone” the person contacted me with initially.
2. The controlling and weird emails he contacted me with since then.
3. I know my God and I have already dealt with this and forgave all of the people who hurt me.
4. I know that I know that I KNOW God would not expect me to be “in” relationship with a pedophiler.
5. I also know that forgiveness does not mean I have to allow them into my personal life.
OK, so I know it is not God.
So, it must be the enemy? Maybe. Or it could just be that this person is a nut and found me again…
Whatever the case may be, I was slapped in the face with the reality that I did not have a fear free existence as I had previously thought. Again, it is not a fear OF this person. Today, I would squash him like a bug if he came near me…LOL! It is a past fear. A fear that was put in me WHEN I was a little girl and lay dormant since then. It is a fear I never got to deal with. Sure, I dealt with the pain and the forgiveness aspects. However, I never dealt with the fear it brought. The fear I deal with and never even realized it until now…
I DO have fear in my life.
I fear my kids ever experiencing the pain and abuse I did. I fear for them.
I have fear of this lunatic reading about me.
So, I brought this to my prayer group last night and PRAISE GOD for the encouragement and AWESOME prayers and words He gave me through them. I could literally FEEL His presence going through me as one lady laid hands on me. <3 I am believing God to FREE me of ALL fear and by faith, laying hold of VICTORY and TRUSTING in my Daddy God!!
I keep reminding myself of this Scripture…
The Lord is on my side; I will not fear. What can man do to me? – Psalm 118:6
I am telling you all this for several reasons…
1. Bringing my struggles into the light will HELP me find the victory I need.
2. Seeing my struggle may help some of you with yours!
3. My husband counseled me to bring this all to the light, so I no longer let it affect my mind, business and blogging.
4. So, you can pray for me!
5. To prepare you…and me…for the two-part devotional that will be coming on this topic.
OK, so am I blogging yet?
I hope that posting this will bring me one step closer to victory. Also, the devotionals Daddy has already begun in me. Together, will put me on the other side of this trial of my faith. Until then, your prayers are VERY appreciated!
Thank you for reading!
Copyright © Lara Velez, Moms of Faith, All Rights Reserved