I’ve had a rough week. Ah, who am I kidding? I’ve had a rough couple of years! So I’ve decided to throw myself a gigantic pity party!
Have you ever had those days? Nothing seems to be going right, at least not for you anyway. It seems to me that everywhere I look someone is being blessed beyond measure and here I sit, patiently waiting my turn. Those people probably didn’t deserve all those good things anyway! Look at the cross I’ve been bearing all these months! Where is my rest, Lord? When will I be blessed? Why do I have to continue wondering around the desert while my friends are living it up in the promised land?
I’m going to be honest with you. This is a tough column for me to write. To admit these feelings of jealousy and anger make me feel so small and yes, filthy! Here I am, a mom of faith, a Christian wife, a daughter of the King for crying out loud, and I am acting so ungodly at times I can’t stand to look at myself in the mirror! Instead of counting my blessings, I start naming all the things that are going wrong. That pile of unpaid bills that just keeps growing and growing. (What about those three months we spent in the hospital and the Lord provided for ALL of our needs? No income, yet our bills were paid) Rick lost his job. (Oh wait, didn’t God just bless us with a new job with better hours and more opportunities?) The house insurance is due, again! (What? For this beautiful farm that God blessed us with, not once, but twice?) The fact that we can’t get home health nurses in to help take care of Caleb. (Did I forget that Caleb doesn’t need all the medical help he was supposed to need?) A husband that I never seem to get to spend time with. (A wonderful husband that supports me and puts up with all of my moods!) And let’s not forget the biggest hurdle: my child who is not up running and playing like all those other kids his age. (God has promised that this will be a powerful testimony! All I have to do is trust Him!)
I tell anyone who will listen that I am nowhere near perfect. I want people to see me for what I really am: a human being who struggles with the same problems they do. I don’t get up every morning and have it all together. I go through the house crying and screaming at God probably as much (if not more) than I do praising Him. Each night I go to bed asking for forgiveness for all the things I did to let Him down. Most of the time I fall asleep before I get through the entire list! This deep dark whole of depression threatens to take over my whole existence. And yet the next day, I start over. I know that I am that child that my Father sits and worries about. He probably wonders when I am just going to “get it” and realize life would be so much easier if I would just listen to Him! I worry that each mistake is the last straw and that He is going to just give up on me.
Life has not always been like this for me. Once upon a time I had three beautiful, HEALTHY children. I had a fulfilling job, soccer and baseball games to go to, and horse shows to prepare for. I lived in a nice house and drove a nice vehicle. We would go to the park and the malls whenever the whim hit us. Now I spend every day sitting at home with my son who does not communicate in the normal way with me. My husband works long hours for minimal pay so that I can stay home with Caleb. I have no “real” friends anymore. My social time comes from the internet. The mall and parks are no longer in our vocabulary. Horse shows are few and far between. As for a nice vehicle, I now drive a van that is four years shy of being labeled as antique! (And believe me, it looks it!)
I usually try to stay upbeat. Some days are just harder to achieve that attitude! But our Heavenly Father says for us to bring ALL of our burdens to Him and He will give us rest. That, my sister, is the only way I can face another day!
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” – Matthew 11:28
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