Holding On

My dear sweet child,

It’s four o’clock in the morning and once again I am sitting in bed with you trying to console you. I know you are frustrated and scared, Little One, and so am I. This is a journey neither of us planned and neither of us knows where it is going to take us.

As I hold your hand the thought comes to me: will these precious little hands ever draw me another masterpiece or write me a book about Boxen Fly? Will I ever feel them clasp mine as we walk along? And what about playing video games and basketball? Are those also things of the past?

I rub your legs and feet and cry as I think of how you used to run and play on the farm. Oh, you had so much energy! I used to say that if I had even an ounce of your energy, I would be able to do anything. I watch as you move your legs back and forth in the bed. Are you dreaming of those days too?

I miss so much about you. The little things are what hurts the most. I miss hearing your giggle, and your excited squeal when you beat that difficult level on your new game. I even miss you yelling at your sister!

I say so many times how this journey we are on is a walk of faith. And I will not ever stop believing that your miracle is right around the corner. But during these melancholy times, I have to wonder, is this all we get? Is the miracle just the fact that you are still with us? I don’t want to sound bratty (one of your favorite words!) but this just isn’t enough for me! I want ALL of you back, just as God promised! Sometimes I want to give up and just accept defeat, but then I look at you. You haven’t given up. You are still holding on. And I know God hasn’t given up yet either. It is not a scripture that comforts me this time. Instead it is the words to one of my favorite songs that lift my spirits and gives me the courage to face yet another day….

“Oh and these are the times when doubt’s trying to creep in

And I need a reason that’s larger than life when hope seems hard to find

If only I can fight just a little longer

I know it’s gonna make me stronger

So I just keep holding on to what I believe in

Oh, I believe in You

Give me the strength to fight and a heart to believe

When it’s hard to believe in You.”

— Holding On, by Jamie Grace

Copyright © Robin Pack, Moms of Faith, All Rights Reserved