For two and a half years I have harbored so much anger and resentment in my heart. I know it’s wrong. Believe me, I have tried to let it go, but it is always there, rearing its ugly head ever so often. Yes, I have a right to be bitter and angry. After all, my world has been torn upside down and ripped to pieces. Why should I forgive someone who probably doesn’t even realize they did anything wrong? Their child, if they even have one, is probably still playing and running and living a happy go lucky life. They have probably never had to go through anything close to what I am going through, and yet it was partly their fault!
It is during these times that I hear God’s still small voice. “My child, forgiveness is not for their benefit. It is for you.” (Hello! Wake up call here!) Who am I hurting by not forgiving them? Certainly not them: they don’t even know they need me to forgive them! But it is MY blessings that I am delaying. And how can I feel the joy and peace of being the King’s daughter if my heart is filled with anger?
Since writing for me is part of my healing process, I thought it would be good for me to put into words those I forgive. Here goes.
To the nurse working the evening Caleb came into the hospital, I forgive you for not realizing how serious his condition was. You see hundreds of children a day, all of them in need of care. And I am sure that had you realized that Caleb was going to code, you would have taken him ahead of the others. We all have bad days and sometimes are rude to others without it being personal. I understand that as well and forgive you for being short with me.
To the doctors who cared for Caleb during those long, difficult first days, I forgive you for not supporting my beliefs that God is in control, not you. It is not your fault that science has become your way of life. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to see families heartbroken as their child lies near death and praying for a miracle that doesn’t seem to come. I assume it is because of this that you have become cynical to the power of our Healer. Please understand, as I have, that just because a miracle doesn’t happen the way we want it to, does not mean a miracle is not in the making. But it is still God’s plan that is being done.
To the parents who shared their stories with me, but tried to “encourage” me to do the right thing by letting Caleb go, I forgive you. I know that in your own way you were trying to help me accept the fact that Caleb may not make it out of the hospital. But you see, I had a conversation with God a few days after Caleb’s illness. It went something like this: “Lord, please, if You are only keeping Caleb here because You don’t think I can handle losing him, please take him on home to Heaven. Give me the strength to go on. Please don’t leave him here like this. But if You are going to heal him, then please give me the strength to be the kind of mom he needs until that day comes.” Caleb is still here and with God’s help, I am learning to be the kind of mom I need to be. I did leave it in God’s very capable hands that day in the chapel. And it is still in God’s hands today!
I realize that by harboring all of these ill feelings towards these people is not healthy or productive for me. They may never know what part they played in Caleb’s story, but I can no longer hold on to the blame I have placed on them. If I ever want to move forward in my walk with my Father, I have to replace those bad feelings with feelings of love for my brothers and sisters in Christ. It is not easy, that is for sure. But oh so necessary if I want to receive my God’s forgiveness for my many failures!
Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. – Colossians 3:13
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